Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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