I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
