Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm so fucking centered right now
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
