Pants 0. Shit 1.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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