All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
