A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
