They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
