I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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