I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
