My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
