I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
