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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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