if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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