you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
