my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
