bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
