TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
