party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm too high and old for this...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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