My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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