They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
