i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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