just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
