At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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