I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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