Yo dont text me then not text me
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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