i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
