My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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