tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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