i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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