just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
