Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
