I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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