Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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