Umm I'm too high to move.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
