Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
