how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
