Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
