We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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