did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
