On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
