i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
