this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
