sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
