Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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