You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
