your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
