I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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