i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
