i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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