I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need a beard to bite.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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