I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
