i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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