Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
