It was confusing and full of hummus
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
